Peregrine Lake – A Weekly Webcomic Written by Trae Dorn and Drawn by Ethan Flanagan

So yesterday was National Coming Out Day, and like most things with my queerness I have an odd relationship with it. I’m nonbinary genderqueer, but I spent most of my 39 years on this earth deeply in the closet.

A good chunk of that time was because I honestly lacked the vocabulary for what I was. But even when I knew the words, I still kept it to myself. I never had a single “coming out” because of it. I first told my wife. Then I later told a few friends. Then years later I finally told my family… sort of.

A year before I came out to my family I ended up in a conversation about nonbinary identities, and my father did what he sometimes does when confronted with new ideas outside his experience – demand excessive citations to an occasionally emotionally exhausting level.

(It’s not that he’s unwilling to learn, but you kind of have to specifically, point by point walk him through it.)

He didn’t know that the conversation was a canary in a coal mine, and I literally put it away for a year and a half. It got to the point where I was tired of hiding something that big day to day though, and I knew I needed to tell my family before I was public about it.

So I told my mom.

Her response was “Do you want me to tell your Dad for you and instruct him not to ask any follow up questions or bug you about it?”

I said yes.

A few months later I quietly updated all of my social media and website bios to reflect it. While I prefer gender neutral pronouns, masculine ones don’t bother me at all so I never made a big deal about it. Frankly I’m pretty pronoun indifferent most days.

But I also didn’t make a big deal out of it because the imposter syndrome roots deeply into my bones. I spent so long in the closet I don’t know if I’ll ever fully feel comfortable claiming that I’m a part of the LGBTQ+ community – even though I am.

I’m 39.

I didn’t completely come out until I was 37.

And I wish I’d done it sooner.

(Also, back when I had a band we actually played a concert at UW-Eau Claire’s Coming Out Day event. That was 11 years ago. Wow. )

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(A version of this originally appeared on my tumblr)

A couple of weeks ago had a guy come up to my table at Coulee Con and told me how great he thought comicsgate was, and I honestly had to work so hard not to yell at him. And I mean, this guy had terrible opinions, and I pointed out that comics have always been political (like have these people never read Captain America or the X-men?) but a couple of things struck me.

Like this was a pretty sociable guy, but he showed no indication of seeing how uncomfortable I was. Like my whole body language changed. He just didn’t give a shit. It never occurred to him that I might disagree with him.

(I mean, he saw me as another straight guy at a con – most people outside the LGBTQ+ community aren’t going to recognize the genderqueer pride flag that was plastered across my shirt)

What was weird about the experience though was that he was telling me about some comics he liked. It wasn’t like dealing with the trolls you usually end up with online. He wasn’t trying to be a bad dude. He wasn’t into this stuff because he knew it would piss off “SJWs.” I don’t think that thought ever even occurred to him.

He was just into some comics that happen to be made by some gross and awful people. But since he’s not the target of those people’s hate, he just dismisses it.

It’s literally privilege in action.

He can sit out “politics” because his very existence isn’t politicized.

And I told him that. I hoped he’d listen.

He did not.

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So I know I haven’t posted much lately, but that’s largely because I’ve been spending a lot of my time producing a new Actual Play roleplaying game podcast Stormwood & Associates for Nerd & Tie.

Long time readers of my blog (the few of you who still exist) will immediately notice that Stormwood & Associates is using the Super Awesome Action Heroes rules I came up with over a decade ago. It’s a modern fantasy campaign, and I’m honestly really excited about it so far. Besides myself, the game features Nick, Gen, and my good friend Kyle Johnson. GM duties kind of rotate among us (though I’m doing a little more often just because my sessions are driving the main story).

We’re putting out new episodes of the show every Friday, and you can (of course) find us on iTunes, Spotify, Stitcher, or anything that can accept an RSS feed.

Please consider listening, it’s super fun.

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